Confess Your Sins to One Another (James 5:16)

When Do We Confess Our Sins to One Another?

A good general biblical rule of thumb is that sin should be confessed only as far as its influence extends. We see this principle in Matthew 18:15–17, where Jesus says to keep the circle of those involved as small as possible — beginning with one person, then two or three, and only escalating to the church as a last resort. Most confession, therefore, is private and between us and God. Sinful thoughts, for example, are normally confessed to the Lord alone; going to the person you have had hateful or lustful thoughts about would likely strain the relationship and tempt them to sin in response. But there are three occasions when we clearly need to confess sin to other people.

1. When Others Are Directly Affected

If you have sinned against someone and they know it, you need to go to them and confess. Suppose you lose your temper with your husband or wife. Perhaps you were sorely provoked. Perhaps you held back twenty or thirty times before you snapped. But the fact remains that you did sin, and you need to own it. Maybe the other person sinned more — that is not your concern. You are accountable for your sin, not theirs. You cannot repent for them; they have to confess for themselves.

Or perhaps you gossip about someone. Then there are two parties you need to approach: the person to whom you gossiped ("That conversation we had yesterday — I told you more than I should have, and what I said was none of my business. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?") and the person about whom you gossiped, because they too have been directly affected.

This means there ought to be certain people we confess sin to very often — particularly those closest to us at home and in the church. If we rarely confess sin to one another, either we think we are perfect or we are too proud to admit our failings. We sin every day, especially against those we are closest to, because that is where we let our guard down. It is vital that we teach this to our children, and the best way to teach it is by doing it — not just by talking about it. There is no point telling them we are all sinners if we give the impression that we are not. When they see confession and forgiveness in action at home, they see the gospel being lived out, not just spoken about.

2. When Sin Is Public

As the circle of people who know about a sin grows wider, confession must become correspondingly public. When a Christian falls into open, scandalous sin that is widely known — not just in the church but in the community, the city, or even the world — then confession needs to be as public as the sin itself. This is necessary both for the sinner, to bring home the seriousness of the offence, and to vindicate the honour of Christ before a watching world that is ready to say, "You see these Christians — they're no different from anybody else."

3. When Struggling with Besetting Sins

Every Christian wrestles with sin, but each of us is especially prone to particular sins because of our temperament, circumstances, and stage of life. We all have different Achilles heels. There will be times when you find yourself sinking deeper and deeper into a sinful pattern, feeling locked in, addicted, unable to break free. When that happens — or ideally before it happens — you should confess those struggles to a close, trusted Christian friend.

It is foolish and self-destructive to hide sin until it becomes so deeply rooted that it is almost impossible to treat. We would not do that with our bodies: if you found a spreading, painful rash, you would go to the doctor. So why would we care for our bodies more than our souls, which Christ says are far more precious? All of us should have one or two particularly close Christian friends to whom we can confess our deepest struggles — someone discreet, someone who will tell us not what we want to hear but what we need to hear, someone who will pray with us and for us regularly. If you are married, your spouse should normally be the first person you turn to.

How Do We Confess Our Sins?

Sin is so subtle that even the act of confessing can stir up sin in us. When we handle sin, it is like handling radioactive material — we need extreme care.

First, we must confess without qualifications, excuses, or self-defence. The temptation is to ease the pain by adding a little context: "Even though I was under so much pressure… even though you had been horrible to me the day before… I shouldn't have said what I said." But that bleeds the confession of its power. Worse still, we can smuggle an accusation into the very act of confessing: "I shouldn't have reacted that way to the mean, spiteful thing you did to me." That is not confession — it is accusation dressed up as confession.

Instead, we should use clear, biblical language. "I sinned against you. I was proud. I was selfishly angry. What I said was thoughtless, insensitive, and cruel — and I meant it to be cruel. I am ashamed. Will you forgive me?" Or: "I lied to you. I twisted the story and made myself the hero. I didn't say what I told you I said. Please forgive me."

A friend and pastor, Al Martin — now in his nineties — modelled this to his congregation throughout his ministry. It was a regular occurrence for him to stand up before an evening service and say: "Brothers and sisters, in the sermon this morning I used an illustration from my own experience and I exaggerated what I said. I was carried away by my own rhetoric and a desire to make myself look better in your eyes than I really am. I lied in the pulpit, and before I can lead worship this evening I need to confess this sin and ask for your forgiveness." If his pastor could do that before five hundred people, members of his congregation reasoned, then they were not going to be too proud to confess to the brother or sister they had sinned against. That is how a culture of confession develops — the more we do it, the less awkward it becomes.

How Do We Respond to Confession?

When someone confesses sin to us, we must handle it with care. First, do not minimise the sin. It is tempting to smooth things over — "Don't worry, it's fine" — but even the smallest sin required the death of God's Son for forgiveness. Sin must be dealt with properly: confessed, repented of, and forgiven — and then never brought up again. Do not short-circuit the process God has put in place.

Second, be ready to pray earnestly and regularly for the person. If someone shares a besetting sin with you, the purpose is prayer and accountability — not to feed your pride at being the one they chose to confide in. And third, keep everything you are told completely confidential — unless it involves a crime, in which case you have a duty to report it and should tell the person that is what you are going to do.

This sermon is part of the One Another Commands series at Covenant Christian Fellowship, Galway. See also the companion sermon on Forgive One Another (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13).